To try to sum up what the last several months of my life have been like would be impossible. So many thoughts and feelings....so many aches and pains (and that was just pregnancy). Permit me to gush a little bit about the new man in my life. I am normally a very rational and emotionally-controlled person. I have my weepy moments but in general I have a practical view of life. Not too many things make me school-girl ditzy, emotionally gushy and annoyingly proud. But I've had a hard time reigning myself in these days. "How are you, Elena?" "I'm great thanks!" "How's that baby of yours doing?" "Oh. My. Gosh! Well, he weighs (insert enormous weight increments here) and he's doing (insert cooing, smiling, giggling, shrieking) now, and I can't believe how beautiful he is and".....blah, blah, blah, blah. Yes, I am one of those people.
I'm here to say...it's all true. Every saccharine sweet thing you've ever heard a crazy, hormone laden new mother say....it's true. Absolutely true. I adore my baby boy. I don't think it's just hormones. I am convinced that my child is the most beautiful boy ever created. Seriously. Suddenly the five years of longing, loss and waiting have turned into overflowing joy. The smile I see on my husband's face when he makes our son smile... The feeling I have when I'm holding the little chubber... It all just feels wonderfully....right.
That's the benefit of the waiting I was talking about. We had so long to prepare our lives. We opened our hearts to whatever God's plan was and we waited. And the payoff was....peace. In the waiting I discovered my heart for adoption and foster care, changed careers, became an artist and learned how to grieve and let go.
I have nowhere near the same amount of time to do anything these days. (Especially not blogging!) Drawing, reading, sleeping, showering....all luxuries! It bugs me a little bit because I'm a "doer." But it has helped me realize what is most important. Time is a gift. Nothing else has inspired me to just sit and enjoy the gift of time like my boy. Every week, every day even, he changes. I am mesmerized by the miracle of his life and paralyzed by the beauty shining from my own home every day. I let my world slow down, even stop sometimes...so I can just watch him. Be with him. This is what God must desire from us. "Stop trying to impress me with your smarts, your work, your charitable accomplishments...just be with me" he might be telling us. And maybe if we could slow down and just be....we would have joy.
I'm getting a lot less done these days....and I'm fine with that.
